I have for the record tried before “i am skint” ” sorry no cash” ” completly brassic”…there are a lot of ways to say i am poor… but its always met with ” oh stick it on the card” (what a card i feel like asking) or ” i will lend it to you” (i really cant borrow money on such a tight budget!)

Cos the truth of it is its not that i dont have any money - allthough it feels like it…its that it is all carefully apportioned off for other things.. so if i spend the grocery money on a friday night bender i am going to be a very hungry young lady!

so here is my dilema…what do i say in aprox 3 days time when my course is no longer an excellant excuse… ? I am not in postion - emotionally to have the strength to tell people, i dont see (a) why i should its my personal bussiness i dont demand to know their ins and outs with the banks and (b) i am embrassed i am ashamed of it! Before i hear your crys of ..”at least you are doing something about it” and in 4 years just think what a better positon you wil be in”…. fundementally we would all be lieing if we said we were proud! Proud of the fact that we got into such horrific levels of debt! ,…. ok i am proud of myself and others out there who have decided to do something about it…but i dont want to sing it from the roof tops.

Cos deep down we all know people make judgements.. ” oh poor love is in debt spent all her money on shoes… blh blah” “silly irresponsiable immature”… ” you will be blacklisted forever” ” why cant you be like so and so”..  The whole world is in debt hey there is credit crisis… a crunch .. but everyone is too proud to say - things are tight we cant afford that or this. Because we are all desperate to catch up with those next door!

Even me… ok i dont have anything these days in the mateiral sense of the word….but i wont admit that to anyone. I would rather stay in with the cats and chat to my “debt friend” under a fake name…….being anonmous on the forum and on the blogs does provide a sense of strenght and confidence to talk about fears and worries. But as soon as i am not logged on i am still living a lie to lots of people pretending… and i know they are prentening to .. but who is going to crack first! .. thats the dilema!

 So the second year begins, a part of me believes i have learnt my lesson about managing money however, i am sitting here with £30 till pay day.. which is the end of the month. I have to put petrol in the car, buy food, expenses for work…. I have done it before and i now i will manage but it makes me realise that being in debt is not all down to the evil corporate credit machines and banks ,,, throwing your credit agreements, begging you “to buy now pay later”…

I have decided that in my second year of my IVA there is no point in reflection…trying to work out the reasons why i got into the situation and thinking how i am going to get out of it. I feel like i have spent the last 12 months pondering and to be honest the reasons I am rubbish with money and got into debt just go on and on…

I think my second year will be marked with living!  It about time i lived.. ok so i am not exactly going to be able to do everything i want.. or think i want… but i am going to have think outside the box.. “that it all costs money” and start to think about just living ..living with being in budget!

So with this in mind..today i embarked on “how to go for a drink after work without paying”… it was surprsing successful.. all though a tip for others not sure you can repeat this one to much without being labelled a cheapskate ..LOL

Waiting… waiting… its a good job i dont mind queues… you can day dream. It beats waiting for the credit card bill, waiting for the phone call from the bank to tell you your overdrawn “would you like to extend your overdraft take out a consoldiation loan! …..

I suppose my IVA gives me some displine (very much needed) but it also gives me  hope to a bright future! A future where I am not in debt, where I have learnt the displine to spend money on what is needed!

Its not easy and i struggle all the time … with feelings of shame and guilt (no one really knows my situation apart from my boyfriend and best friend) and envy of other people who seeming have it all!!

I have talked before about how horriable it is making excuses not to go on friday night benders… but its getting easier! … now my work mates make a joke that “she will only come out if its free”… which is true!!…

 So maybe i spend too much time, checking my budget..checking out economy food in the supermarket..chatting on debt forums..?!…. maybe i am just learning just like the song “the best things in life are free”… its more important to have good friends a loving family than the owning stuff! …the newest ipod, car, house, clothes..

I dont post on my blog for sympthy .. i post because what i write is honest.. I spent too much and got myself into this mess but i am getting myself out.. I have a degree in sociology and I could argue that i am a victim of “affluenza!” or a product of a western consumrism… that i am merly a symptom of the lack of moral codes and values of a “need” society.

But you know what.. Its all rubbish .. i had no control.. i enjoyed the buzz of the swipe of the credit card! …It hit me once when i was at work.. if you can believe this part of my job is to give basic advice on welfare benefits and debt advice.. and i thought “who i am to lecture about credit card debt of £500 to this person.. when my own credit card is somewhere near £5,000!!” so i took my own advice and got ADVICE!

Ok so i know deep down they cant fail it because i have made all my payments and the review is part of the processes that has to be completed! but even still i am stressing.

I imagine i should receive it some time this week.

I am expecting our annual review paper work soon, so i have started to plan for this saving utilites bill showing the increase in payments , petrol receipts etc. Hopefully there wont be too high an increasr as i have been lucky this year with a pay rise and a promotion and have upped my payments accordingly.

As much as my love/hate realtionship with my IVA continues, i confess i will be happy when it comes to an end! But for now i will keep on with my paymets! ¼/p>

Have you noticed how much publciity those cards are getting now… ! they are fantastic idea and have saved me from some embrassing situations… people who deal in cash only do get funny looks sometimes… well i do anyway.

right well i have a hangover to attend to…a free hangover at that!

I dont have any children, so i appreciate that the pressure for me is less at this time of year. But i have started to remember what my nan used to tell me about the”olden days!” LOL and home made gifts and its better to have your health!  Plus there have been quite a few good tips on the forum for home made gifts - calanders/chilli oil! … i think i might try to make my own christmas cards i am considering dressing the cat  up in a santa outfit… she must know because just as i typed this she has run off to hide! …. mmm dont rate my chances with the claws!?

Perhaps if as a country/soceity we werent so obessed with mateiral items we could enjoys christmas. I am going to ask for things i need and not want! From family… a new kettle because i know mine is going to pack in any time soon! For example.

This christmas marks for me one year down in my 5 year IVA battle,. Sometimes i feel hopeless i really cant see the end of all this…scrimping and saving but its just one of lifes lessson! Just wished i learnt it earlier!

Even a friend mentioned the other day how frugal i had become - LOL how things change… goodness 18 months or so ago i would have been the first one not to look at the price. ..